a piece of mind: October 2010

Sunny Morning!

Fatin,mata dah bengkak!! tutorial is at 8,so please stop or start create an answer for ur friends question about the eyes!!

Hoping this sunny morning will bring sun to my heart .

Lets just bear with today packed timetable until night.

''Never give up on things that make u smile"

I had received (somehow I can say ) a heartbreaking letter from a best friend. Kenapa heartbreaking?sebab dia org yg paling rapat dgn kita dan somehow kita harap dia dah cukup kenal kita untuk tau kenapa kita buat sesuatu. tapi mungkin lebih baik kita cakap sahaja kenapa kita buat mcm tu? entahlah.

women and men langguage are different.
women langguage "I am okay"-->she is not okay and she need u to somehow just understand her langguage and care and ask back,hey,are u okay?
man langguage ''I am okay"-->Leave me alone,I'll talk to u later.

I cried reading it. If u read this,I will reply but not anytime soon. And if u think why I had time to write my blog and why not reply your letter,because I dont have energy to do so.I need time to reply since Our friendship had involve too much thicks and thins I just couldnt bear to lost you or even the memories of the friendship. Or maybe

my expectation is too high, I easily hurt myself.

For tomorrow I still have a packed schedule and still hoping that I can get the car back by tomorrow n not causing me any trouble anymore (the break lamp wasnt working and theres a short circuit somewhere in the machine) and I dont want to be dependant on anyone for transportation.
Got a schedulded Medical check up with my Internist and heart consultant.
I am somehow looking forward for the painful medical procedural,so I had a concrete reason to cry.
or maybe I can continue crying about tonight.crying the heart loud for tomorrow sampai nurse terkejut.
Eh budak ni terover cry ke,br amik darah 5cc. Eh darah pekat la,bruises tangan saya.

This may seem short and not like expectation but,somehow I want u to know I will reply it longer than "salam, & takde"

Faizal:mungkin betul kata ko,aku kena reply msg lbh pnjg dr 1 line.tapi kalau tengah tido mcm mane?Kena cuba balas msg lbh pnjg supaya takde misscommunication kat situ.ok.

Take Care. Salam.

"Same feelings we feel, same things we do, same stories we share: make good friendship we've been through."

If you're bored with life, if you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things

- you don't have enough goals. -Lou Holtz

Hard

I can't get anything done around here. Everything's just so hard. No one to mengadu to except this place here where I can't even write what I want. Ish tu pun cannot. how la.
The week passed,but i somehow felt left alone lonely.
Even i was surrounded with a lots of friends and had few dinner invitation.
I had that certain particular feeling of emptiness after mama n papa had went back to Malaysia,im left alone again and had to be independent for myself where than I just felt like,i wanna run away from this life.
I drove the car alone to campus on Monday morning,still adapting and on recovery phase.It was hard. And again I just had to be strong for OSCE IPM exam at 1pm.
exam done around 5pm,pack for myself KFC and 2 sundaes ice-cream I had been craving since Im admitted.
The emptiness feeling last till today,and it still didnt go away
even after i had for myself parsley dinner
tried a new cafe owned by my friend(went there twice)
filled my cravings for coffee and went to Begawan Solo twice just to lepak and meratap nasib sendiri time hujan-hujan malam-malam tak sedar diri that i just recover and still have to go control at the hospital till next week.(kalau doctor internist aku tau mati laaa)
eat 2 big bar of cadbury chocolate,and still,my mood is swinging
watched the premier of eat,pray & love-but wasnt satisfied and like expected through the novel but I did cried at few scenes where it touches my heart-I am seriously dealing with emotional problem this week.
Went to Amplaz and seriously wanted to find some clothes for campus.tried a few nice one,and end up not buying anything.(macam tak pernah keluar dari amplaz tu tak beli apa-apa).
Whats happening to me?
Eat dunkin donuts on saturday morning and end up at Kedai kopi around 10pm and balik rumah malam-malam pukul 12am and takut sendiri even dalam kereta sbb sorang-sorang and tak ade anyone accompany me back home like it used to be if we plan to come back late.Takut hantu or takut ada org jahat yg menyorok kat mana-mana and bila nampak perempuan keluar dari kereta malam-malam dia akan serbu and rompak kereta. worst kalau dia culik aku kan.haish fatin,berani betul kau balik malam sendiri?
Bukan takde kawan tapi kawan sibuk dgn bf masing-masing?
or ada kawan tapi tak rasa perlu ceritakan dekat dia semuanya?
or ada kawan tapi kawan tu nak manfaatkan kau sebab kau ada kereta?
ada kawan tapi perlukan masa untuk diri sendiri?

sebab tu,life is full of choices. and kadang-kadang rasa kalau jadi lelaki lagi best dari jadi perempuan.less complicated life?
atau perlu tambahkan solat-solat sunat,tahajud dan solat sunat taubat bukan solat hajat sahaja seperti kata sudin dalam blog dia.

rasa nak lari sekarang and pindah duduk negeri lain. start new life,get to know new people.but are u sure u wont feel lonely,u wont feel empty??

What im doing now is just to have faith and to go with the life flow.
Faith is a knowledge within the heart,beyond the reach of proof.Kahlil Gibran.

Randomicity.

I had been hospitalized for 8 days because of acute bronchitis. I had already had the feverish symptom since 3rd oct where than,I went to the hospital to check on my sinusitis and my allergy rhinitis. And the week before I fall sick,i work quite hard and skip meals and come back late because i worked a lot in the lab.I target to finish up PCR & Electrophoresis by the end of week 6 before my block exam.
It didnt go like what I expected.
During week 6,what I did was sleeping all day after I ate my meds.It wasnt a productive week for me.I went to class,make note,come back and sleep.And I had experienced dyspnea and shortness of breath during the days and nights. I went back to the hospital to complain about my shortness of breath and the doctor said,my shortness of breath maybe because of my heart problem. He said he listens to a pre-systolic murmur and referred me to the heart specialist in the hospital.

I went back there on Friday evening,9oct for some medical checkup with the heart specialist.and the heart specialist was my Tutor,so she straightly remember my name. She perform ECG prosedur on me while saying "I wont asked u to do ecg for ueself since now u are my patient,and I was like errrr,black,blue,red,yellow,which is where"haiyoooo,lupa!
After the ECG prosedural,i am assist for some Echocardiography prosedural.
Im amazed to see my heart,with all the 4 chambers,the aorta,pulmonal,and mitral valve.
The doctor showed me my mitral valve insufficiency and the blood regurgitation. It was around 3%.
After im done with my echocardiography prosedural,i was told by fareez(he waited outside the room)that nani,our batchmates,was admitted to the hospital because of typhoid fever.we went upstairs to visit her.
Back,had dinner around 10pm with him and back.My body just couldnt compromise anymore and,i was chilling on my bed around 2am. I sms-ed him saying that I think I should go to the hospital now,I just couldn't bear the chilling.
Arrived at the hospital and was admitted at the wad around 3am. I was accompany by him and my housemate.
One sweet memories i can remember about staying in the hospital was eating KFC with both jaja n fareez,comel mcm siblings!
and the rest was all the painfull medical prosedural which causes bruises and phlebitis hand :(
Im glad papa and mama came to visit me,they fly off from malaysia to Yogyakarta to visit me. Alhamdullilah :)
I am now bebas bersyarat from the Hospital.and have to come and control again next friday on 29th of oct..
I am sick for the whole month! shall I say unproductive month?
3-8 oct,had already suffer feverish and rhinitis.was on drug prescribed by hospital.
9-15 oct was hospitalised.
15-22oct was given mc and asked for a bed rest in the house(but i still go to class n dyspnea once a while)
22oct-control at the hospital.(went alone)
29oct-control again at the hospital with another blood test.
25oct-another scheduled echocardiography session with my heart specialist.

was on prescribed drugs and vitamins.and was released by the hospital with limited activity to do.sigh..no early morning jogs!
btw,dont pity me for my mitral valve insufficiency.It can be consider as physiologic for my body.