In my blind pursuit of seeking the deeper meaning of what life truly holds, a challenge I have brought upon myself since God decided to place me at this side of the world, alone with my equally clueless friends -the only thing that separates us from one another is our maturity and our perspectives.
Human to human interactions -
friends and romantic flings - I call it flings, you can call it relationship if you want - but I've lost all faith in that "R" word a long time ago. I'm impaired - impaired to restrict myself and stop myself from giving too much in something that gives me too little. I'm scared of getting hurt again, and I'm terrified of falling into another person who doesn't necessarily appreciates holding my heart in his hand. I wish, I don't wear my heart on the sleeve, I wish I'm less like me and more like any other girl - because the truth is, I don't know how to handle it. How much are you suppose to give and how much are you suppose to expect from him? Why does it feel like I'm always giving but when I expect a little, no matter how little, it seems to be my fault that I had expectations. Its really confusing.
I could be wrong. I could be so wrong about all of these.
Maybe, the person in question is reading this.Maybe He doesn't care anymore,like I did. I care less about him. and I can say somehow,the feeling was like this "He never really existed in my life' , & all that left was memories,nothing much.
And I can laugh reading back at all my blog-post with 'him' in the entry/something that revolves him n how happy i was back at that time.
So to the person in question,thank you and goodbye! ;p.Thank you for making my life worth living in the transient period and thank you for breaking my heart,you made me found who I am. and goodbye to 2010 memories of us.
Sorry if I painted a wrong picture about him,but as far as I knew him since years ago and till now,He is a great guy and an awesome friend. I am not without faults, and he's only human.
Sometimes, we make the wrong moves, moves that we're unable to undo, and to live with regret is not to live at all.
I used to felt lost, like I met a dead end, I didn't know how to face tomorrow, or the next very second of my life. So I went to God, I prayed and hoped that despite all the crap I've done, all the sinful indulgences I ignored, He'll let me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I learned, In this uncertainty of our lives and the chaos that is our hearts and minds, one thing is for sure, when the rest of the world seems to ignore you, family and God won't. All you have to do is seek for Him and He'll come to your aid. I may be a leg bearing, "free hair"-ed girl, but that much I know and believe in.
Nobody has everything in the world.
God will always take something away from you, if He wishes to give you something.
He took something from me,but He gave me more than what I wish for,best friends.
I've met and had amazing friends who I know I can depend my life with over the years, there aren't many in this world. So it takes a little bit of searching.You get to weed out a bunch of bad fruits for a golden apple.
I knew I had fareez whom always there for me even sometimes he is left clueless. Sudin to listens and give advices, Ana to gossips,and Faizal for late night phone calls. What more can I ask from them? None.
To the bestfriends,thank you for simply being there. simply making me stronger.
I give something back every year - like my clothes, shoes and things to the needy. Giving and helping may reduce the whirlwind of your mind, I was told. So hopefully getting rid of things I don't really need may also un-clutter my head.
I learn a lot from Papa and Mama,untuk berbagi rezeki,with the needy and everyone. Because sharing what u have wont coz u to have a little less but it making u to have more.More love and more Joy.
I learn not to be mean to anybody, including to those who were mean to me. If you must, then just walk away.
I learned a lot in 2010,a lot which it teaches me to stand up and Grow up.Some memories are bad,but overall,I live my life with Joy and Having all the close friends I mention above. I learn a lot too about people,where someone can simply come to you and ask you to leave your bestfriend whom had always there through thicks and thins. and all you have with that particular someone was just Fling? as simple as that.
I gained a lot too in 2010 where having more responsibilities made me think and become a much more I can say as 'mature person',where handling a car and driving all alone & to simply take care of ur own need.To wake up as a daughter,student and a person is simply sometimes a hard thing to do. Where your parents are far away to tell you whats wrong and whats right.And all they can do is to Pray for ur safety in another country.
Iim growing up and I knew,Im better now than back than.
Last but not least,for my every wrong doing,for all the heartaches I caused,
for the reactions from my actions - I can never perfect. I made mistakes.
From the bottom of my heart,I am sorry
because it takes both parties to forgive and get over it. But if that's not possible, move on.
For the new start of 2011,
I hope you search deep within you,everyone , to find, and pray for that strength to live, to wake up from sleep every morning, and have the will to lift up your head upright. When being happy seems so out of reach, any strength and power would do, just enough to.. live. The world demands you physically, responsibilities, and endless works and deadlines, life goes on, and even it sucks.
Happy New Year,2011 and Thank you 2010.
Sincerly,Fatin Maziah Bosro
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